My Brain Is Frazzled

When the guys were cooing over the BMW Z4 last night - I actually asked in all seriousness; "Is it a two-seater or one-seater?"

I think they're now a bit worried about my intellect having been affected.

It's Not What It Looks Like

I've just emptied a little tupperware of Chinese Almond Drink powder into the kitchen bin at work and now I'm imagining the look on someone's face when they go to pop something in the bin and see a little pile of white powder at the bottom.

Go Sis!!!

The day has now been made into a cause for celebration because my dear God-Sister has given birth to her baby boy - about two weeks early!

And how do I find this out? By her brother's message to her on Facebook haha...Gotta love technology huh?

A life time's happiness and the start of a lovely family to you Michelle!!

Huh.

So - without going in to specifics - on paper the latter half of the year has turned out to be really sh*tty.

But actually I'm fairly certain things will work out OK...I'm still smiling simply because I have an amazing family and my Male who can laugh me out of any blues and our fabulous home and the funniest pug.
So I'm technically classed as disabled - which actually might work in my favour given today's phone call - but I'm still me, just a slightly less loud version and not dashing about quite so much.

My photographers have even been sending me lovely messages which has actually made me quite emotional! Especially since, unless plots to lure them away from Photoshit work, I may not be working with them for a while...who will take such an invested interest in their livelihoods?!

Here's Coco and I on the balcony after that misguided and unprofessional phone call from this morning - let's call it a memento of today's change of direction.


Next up for me? Brain scan tomorrow, hopefully no more lumbar punctures (I feel an echo of the splintering sharp stab in my lower left back just to think about it...), yoga yoga yoga to get some muscle tone back after too much bedrest, a lot of internet research and hopefully the opportunity to exact some well-deserved revenge on Photoshit.

Musical Education

Besides asking the music maestro elders (i.e. James and my Pa) for recommendations on their particular genres and the classics - I'd have to quietly / proudly / mortifyingly admit that some of my most seminal musical education seems to have stemmed from two movies in particular.

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery introduced me to the likes of Burt Bacharach, Quincy Jones and errm...the Divinyls (I TOUCH MYSELF!!)

And then of course there was Wayne's World 1 & 2 which brought me Jimi Hendrix and Joan Jett.

Bet y'all didn't know that!

Egg Card - you are shite.

I can't remember exactly how many times I've been screwed over by this credit card company (damn you memory loss!) but I know it's at least 3 times now...how is it that they see fit to cancel my credit card FIVE DAYS AGO and they don't think to, you know, call or email.

And I'm fairly sure their customer service centre is one of those that aren't in the UK.

How can they POST you to notify you that your card has been cancelled?! How backwards and slow and unreliable is that?!

I want my freakin' American Apparel buys!!!! *stomp*

Things I'll Miss (Until Declared Non-Epileptic and Medication-Free)

• Wine / Beer / Sake / Champagne / Cocktails
• Driving
• Swimming
• Running (at least until I feel like I won't pass out from exhaustion from walking faster than a normal pace)
• Not feeling even mildly paranoid when some repetitive flashes go off in my eyeline (though it's not been proven that flashes would trigger a seizure yet)

And oh - now my dad and Ding have both started talking about Chinese superstitions in relation to my current turn of crappy luck in health. And I vaguely believe this kind of Fung Shui / ghost stuff. Oh feck - and now my phone just made some weird sound at me, I turn to look at it and some SmartPhone AIM messenger thing said I had a message - I'VE NEVER USED THIS PROGRAMME BEFORE WHY THE FECK HAS IT STARTED UP BY ITSELF?!?!?!

The fact that Coco is still snoozing happily on my lap and isn't growling or going nuts at something I can't see is the only thing that's keeping me calm.

Err...blame the memory (or lack thereof)

This could possibly be one of the meanest things I'll ever admit on here but I realised this morning that I no longer seem to have any idea with regards to who's with who any more. *cough*

Facebook is a confusing thing!

Here's a nice pic of Miss Coco in her sailor outfit today so you can be safely assured that I still remember how to take a sweet picture!

Doolally

So it's been really hard to try and gauge the time-frame for my memory lapses - the thing I've come to realise though is that though I've completely forgotten tiny details and facts about what's happened in my life - I've not forgotten in the slightest how things / people / locations / sounds / sights have made me feel.

I can't remember what I had for dinner when I came out of hospital on Monday night, but I remember feeling safe and happy and relieved.

My sense of smells seems somewhat altered - Coco smells different. My perfumes have a different note to them. Freshly cut grass smells amazing and I was baffled to suddenly smell smoky bacon crisps on the M25 when no one was eating 'em.

Dreams seem hyper-real and seared onto my memory as though they actually happened. But no way near as disturbing as my auras (partial seizures) which hit as flashes of deja-vu / tight-chested heart thumping / breathless panics. I thank the meds for relieving me of the crappy auras (which for the record I think is a stupid name) but I'm questioning the tight-chested feeling that underlines my waking hours and the on/off loss of sensation in my right hand. I tire way too easily now - trying to pick up Coco becomes a near-impossibility due to the tight-chest carrying heavy weight situation. Trying to carry 3 light shopping bags yesterday left me feeling breathless and again with the tight-chest and added giddyness.

I suspect I've forgotten how to cook some things and I'm fairly sure I've forgotten what happened in the book I was enjoying and almost finished and then left in the office. *sigh*

I'm feeling big love for my family now more than ever - in all my 26 years of life, I've been blessed to never have any serious health threats, so three seizures in 5 days and a long weekend hospital stay later, I have all my family checking in on me and my Dad over from Hong Kong especially to be with me. How bemused was I to have my Mum and Dad over to ours for dinner in a friendly manner?!

I could totally gush about the awesome strength and comfort that Kien-sen has given me but well, he knows haha...

I'm just happy to still be alive and with a coherent brain and Miss Coco snoring away on my lap right now.

Dazed and Confused.

I've had 3 seizures in the space of 5 days - no past history of seizures. Now back from a 4 day 3 night stay in hospital for observation after having a disturbing 2 day period of increasingly intense 'auras' (pre-cursors to seizures, which in my case were apparently partial seizures).

My memory has been ravaged - this has only been made more apparent over the past day. Things that have happened in recent months are jumbled - not to mention things that I remember from dreams / tv / reality...all confused together and I'm having trouble separating what has actually happened and what I've seen happen (there is a difference).

My family and one friend in particular have been amazing through this weird time and it brings a tear to my eye to think about how worried they've all been having to see me through this. I'll try and be strong for all of you! Not trusting my brain at the moment though and it is really disconcerting to be unable to trust one's own head.

I'm on medication now for mild epilepsy - it seems to have stopped the auras from developing on from anything more than giddy head feelings and a pressing tightness in my chest. Need to see the week out to make sure I don't have a relapse so I've been signed off work for the week - bloody great timing when your big boss is already a bit 'funny' about your necessity in said office.

P.S. Lumbar Punctures are REALLY NOT FUN.